Quotables 2

i've been in a bit of a slump.
for a number of reasons.
so i decided to do something that would make me happy:
i wrote all the funny quotes of my friends since the beginning of the year.



nicole takes the cake. (read to find out why)


billy - "come to fhe with me."
me - "no. i'm too tired."
billy - "you have to come. otherwise it will just be me and bradley and all of your ex-girlfriends."
me - "that's true. let me get my jacket."

me - "i told her i felt like we were dating in a taylor swift song. she's got a lot of teardrops on her guitar."

anna - "you are funny tonight sir."
me - "tonight? you mean always."
anna - "sure."

dad - "this mattress isn't very comfortable. lets have garrett sleep here."

me - "i like your optimism."
kimbre - "thanks it's new. how does it look on me?"

angelique - "the hangover is the best thing that has happened to me since my mom gave me up for byu."

sam - "we just ran over a big mac."
nicole - "a big mac?"
sam - "yes. wrapped in yellow paper."
nicole - "shi, my car just gained ten pounds."

billy - "it looks like god poured a slurpee on provo."

nicole - "eww. delete that picture. i look gross."
me - "no. that's just what you always look like."

me - "president todd got to vacuum the celestial room at the temple."
stephen - "that's your mom's dream."
me - "it really is. more than anything."

nicole - "just remember, the next time you get in my car, you don't need to lay forward on the dashboard for the people to hear you through bluetooth. just sit normally."

aubrey - "i don't discipline my kids after 8:00"

nicole - "now everytime i look at that married jonas, i know he's had sex. it doesn't feel right."

me - "all of us are wearing black?"
billy - "yay. now we can go to church on the underground railroad."
nicole/caitlin/me - "yay."
billy - "we will save gas and meet harriet tubman and frederick douglas."

nicole - "we have so many sins to wash away this week. we better hurry."

anna - "i need to see you after my exam. i have to give you something."
me - "ok. is it a baby?"
anna - "yea it is and it is cute."
me - "can we name it afania?"
anna - "i already did."

me - "what is that smell?"
nicole - "smoke, incense, sex and sin."
me - "so it's vegas that i smell?"

nicole - "my alarm clock doesn't have a setting for snookie time. how do i fix this?"
caitlin - "it can all be fixed with a kiss. muuah."

me - "today, I saw a commercial for the snuggie. i thought it was stupid idea but i couldn't change the channel because i was under a blanket and i didn't want my arms to get cold."

caitlin - "you should just start a comedy club called offend you."

me - "one time i danced to enrique iglesias' escape alone in my room."
anna - "me too. no joke. i even played it on the piano."
me - "how old were you?"
anna - "15."
me - "i was on my mission at that time."
(silence)

billy - "what time is it?"
me - "vegas."

stephen - "i told my class that you said that a billion people watched the michael jackson funeral. they all laughed."
me - "so you mocked me in front of your whole class?"
stephen - "i didn't tell them your name. i just said you were the kid walking around campus in cowboy boots today."

kimbre - "would you still be my friend if i wanted to be a vet?"
me - "no."
kimbre - "good answer."
me - "why?"
kimbre - "because then i would have hair to my butt and horses would be my favorite animal."

billy - "they should just tell the football players that touchdowns are freedom."

me - "i hate time. more than anything."
anna - "me too. it makes me want to throw up in a pair of sneakers and run a 5k in them."

me - "i love the new v-neck garments."
billy - "you mean the ones that don't have symbols and that you can wear just as a shirt?"
me - "ya. those ones."
billy - "i think that's just a t-shirt."

nicole - "can i try this $700,000 ring on?"
employee at tiffanys - "sure. in the private showroom. you only need a credit check and proof of insurance ."
nicole - "that's all?"

nicole - "ummmm he is so cute i'm speechless. and by him i mean your nephew. stop looking at yourself in the mirror."

me - "come sit by me."
kimbre - "no, i'm eating brownies."
me - "i'm needy."
kimbre - "no you're hungry. eat a brownie."

me - "do you want to go to the mexican store with me?"
stephen - "you mean smiths?"

me - "this is making my year."
anna - "it's been this year for two days."

me - "remember how you are making your own jewelry line and it's called shii? i can see the ads now... this shii is great or fuuurost yourself in shii."
nicole - "come get your shii."

stephen - "sweet. a free meal from tucanos."
me - "let's go."
stephen - "when do you have time?"
billy - "if you had a google calendar you would know when i had time."

me - "remember that one time i woke up and went to class with a signature on my forehead? this girl asked me what it was."
anna - "perfect. i hope you told her it was a famous celebrity who had the honor of signing your forehead. because for the most part, that statement is true."

stephen - "did you know you can buy marijuana anywhere you go in jamaica?"
billy - "sweet. i want to go during carnival when god's not watching the world."
stephen - "what are you a closet catholic?"

daphne - "your religious views should say convert."
nicole - "i know. remember that one time that i took the discussions and gladys knight showed up and busted a tune?"
daphne - "that was the best night of both of our lives."
nicole - "and then i actually asked how expensive the pearl of great price really was. the elders didn't know."


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